Friday, January 23, 2009


Tonight, JT is coming home from Seattle where he has been since Tuesday on business. This was our first time to be apart from each other for more than 24 hours. While I missed him, I decided to take advantage of this time and my rediscovered -- albeit temporary -- singleness.

I made a list of things I wanted to do while he was gone that I don't get to do as much when he's here: fall asleep to a movie (I get the best sleep doing this), listen to loud angry girl music and/or opera while I cleaned, watch Food Network at any given moment, work on writing a story that's been formulating in my mind, and spend all evening at a bookstore.

I talked on the phone and skyped with girlfriends more than usual. I ate from a box. I figured out how to use the DVD player out of necessity. I got some pages written for the first time in years. I cleaned my kitchen to Heart and the extra room to the most earnest bluegrass music you'll ever hear – at full volume. While I wouldn’t trade my husband for anything, it was nice to do these things and fill my quota for the time being.

All of that made me very aware of singleness and the whole "Seasons" concept in this context. The popular song by The Byrds and a passage from the Bible have created a metaphor between the temporary stations and circumstances in life and the changes in the weather based on time and the earth's rotation.

On our honeymoon, ironically, I read a book called What a Girl Wants, recommended by OKChick. The main character divided her singles group at church into “Reasons,” meaning there’s a reason they are single, and “Seasons,” meaning they will only be single for a season.

This is a touchy subject, I know; it broaches an insecurity that I faced myself in college when the guys I crushed on never seemed to reciprocate my feelings. Was there something about me, an easy explanation for this? I have to admit there were times in my life when my singleness was a huge obstacle for me and the insecurity tainted everything I did, the way I looked at the opposite sex, and my motivation for life.

While I am happy that all of my single friends are thriving in their chosen professions and taking full advantage of the opportunities they have before marriage, it sincerely worries me that any woman could feel that way, that any woman could feel invalidated because of her singleness.

I don’t remember when that mindset passed exactly. Maybe my last semester of college? Somewhere along the way, I experienced the realization that this was my time, this was my season to grow in my relationship with Christ and improve myself in every aspect. That motivation enabled me to set goals. I read more about pretty much every subject. I examined my relationships and how I could be a better friend and servant to people. I did my best to develop healthy habits and stick to them. I took up running. I traveled to see friends. I journaled a lot and asked God to reveal Himself to me and reveal things about me that needed to change.

But most of all, I realized the most important thing of all: I was exactly where God wanted me. He still had things to teach me that I needed to know before I got married. While no human is ever complete or fully prepared for marriage, it helps to develop a mindset, skill set, and subtle strength of self-worth in Christ because getting married and putting one’s self-worth in a spouse doesn’t do any favors for man or wife.

To my single friends, take this to heart: remember that the Bible says it is not good for man to be alone. If you have the gift of “singleness” that many seems to dread, you are fully aware of it, embrace the call and have a peace about it. But other than the select few who are called to be single, you are destined to someday complete a man just like Adam’s rib completed Eve.

But until then, ask God to make His presence known to you and reveal ways that He can make you more complete.

And enjoy those lazy Saturdays, the extra time between shaving your legs in the winter, eating from a box, the unlimited chick flicks, and weekend trips on a whim.


  1. AMEN sister!! looooooove this post!!! I totally agree, and i believe I have FINALLY found myself at the point where Ive started taking ADVANTAGE of this time to better myself, to draw more and more closer to God and Ive also started journaling more and TRULY feeling His presence! Its SO AMAZING! Im definitely taking advantage of my saturdays, lol, and my focus is fulfilling God's will for my life, and everything else will fall into place. Although i might be single for now, I know God has someone specific out there for me, and I'd rather wait for that perfect person than, because of worry or fear, pick out some random, SO anyways, thank you for this post! i LOVE YOUUU!

  2. you are so beautiful. i love how you overflow with wisdom for my life. i do miss your single days, and it was fun re-living them this week. but i love your husband, and i see how he, completes you. and that my friend, makes you an even more amazing person. i am so blessed to call you my BFF!

  3. This post is amazing. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. No really. :)

  4. Am I blessed or what! I love this girl.

  5. I'm glad that so many people have found this post encouraging, but I'd like to respectfully offer another angle on the issue.

    I am a single woman approaching 30, and I live with a 32-year-old female roommate who is also single. We are often the only unmarried women at the "girls' nights" put on by friends from church. Unfortunately some of our other married friends choose only to hang out with other couples, so on one hand we feel grateful for even being invited to such "girls nights." However, often at these events we are regaled with women telling us how they miss the romance of dating, and how lucky we are to still have falling in love and getting engaged to look forward to. This feels incredibly patronizing, and honestly, it doesn't feel at all far off from being told to embrace things like not having to shave one's legs or eating out of a box. These ARE pleasures, but when compared to entering one of the most meaningful and God-honoring relationships life offers, they look rather paltry.

    Again, I don't mean to be unkind or to devalue your sincere desire to encourage others. I would just like to suggest that married folks be careful about assuming that they can fully empathize with the unmet desires of unmarried people who are their elders -- particularly those who, like me and my roommate, do NOT define ourselves through the eyes of men, but still long for the blessing of marriage. I would also suggest we be careful in assuming that everyone whom God has given a longing for marriage will be granted that gift. God is faithful, but sometimes people die with unmet dreams, and to say anything else can feel a bit like an empty pat on the head.

    I don't agree with everything in the following article, but it might be worth a glance if you're interested:

    I wish you the best, and I hope that I did not hurt your feelings by sharing my perspective.


  6. Dear Katie,

    Thank you for your respectful opinion. I am curious to know how you found this post? My thoughts were more geared for friends, who know my heart and know my good intentions. This post was in no way considered a "consolation prize" or a patronizing pat on the head to single people. That was not my intention at all and I'm sorry if that's what you read. Though I may not be able to relate to my "unmarried elders," I do have a little bit of an idea since my husband didn't get married until he was almost 32. I know I can't fully relate to anyone for that matter, but on the other hand, you have no way of knowing what I have or haven't experienced nor what I can empathize with. But no matter what I have been through, if my single experiences are now trumped, null, and void because I have the label of married woman, then please forgive me for overstepping my bounds. I don't know the Lord's mysterious ways, but I pray and honestly believe that each of my friends will eventually meet and marry wonderful, godly men. I am glad to hear you don't define yourself by men, and I pray for your happiness and that you will never lose that hope in the Lord.

  7. Hi LB,

    Oh, I don't think your single experiences are "trumped, null, and void" by getting married! That would rule out the insight of a lot of godly people! I also think that if anyone was "out of bounds," it was me, not you. Perhaps I was a little too -- I don't know -- prone to be categorical in my response. You know how you find a blog and assume that it is written to a general audience, and realize later that most bloggers probably define their website primarily as a way of communicating with their friends? It makes total sense to me that you were writing to people who know your heart and your story, and would apply those things to the interpretation of your message. (From the other comments, it sounds like they did so very favorably!) I never doubted your good intentions. I just found your article aligning with something I was thinking about, and wanted to add my two cents, not thinking that by not knowing you, I probably was taking your post out of context. Not only that, but I was applying my own context, which you in turn aren't familiar with because you don't know me. (Yikes -- the internet is a deceptively complicated place for communication!) I'm sorry if I caused you any pain -- if that was the case, I truly wish I hadn't posted. Blessings on you as you encourage others and grow in your marriage.


    P.S. You asked how I found your blog. I've been reading it for awhile, and I think I found it via a comment you posted on someone else's blog that linked back.

  8. I can't wait til I see her published best-selling books @ Borders!


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